King Bans Roman Catholic Child Abuse Cult; Declares War on Vatican City

The King has this evening announced that the "dangerous cult" of Roman Catholicism is to be banned throughout the territory and empire of Lindsey. Unlike Scientology, which is banned only within the central Old Rectorian territory of greater Lindsey, this ban applies to all the areas answerable to the Imperial Althing.

The ban comes after fresh revelations in the cases of child abuse by Catholic priests in Ireland and Germany, but sources close to the King inform the Old Rectorian News that the action follows a gradual build up of grievances against the cult; it is now officially documented as being "a very severe risk to people everywhere, including citizens of Lindsey".

Critics have protested strongly against the ban, claiming it is an infringement of the constitutional separation of church and state - the freedom of thought and belief protected by the Bill of Personal Rights passed unanimously by Governors in 2007.

One sceptical protestor was vehement in his condemnation of the move. "They can't do it - it's a violation of our rights! This is exactly what we would expect from such a morbidly atheistic dictator-king: if he starts now with Catholicism, where will it lead? It's a slippery slope, I tell you, and though I'm an agnostic myself, I intend to oppose the law."

The office of the King dismissed such criticism out of hand, however. An official statement attempted to allay fears by carefully delineating between freedom of thought, and freedom of action.

"The Bill of Personal Rights does not afford rights of existence to any organisation or church. The rights it lays out are applicable solely to people. The new law will ban only the practice of Roman Catholicism, and ban foreigners ordained into the cult from entering Lindsey without special permission, which may not be forthcoming. It will be illegal to hold any kind of Catholic mass or observance outside the private dwelling, and any that are held will be subject to investigation by social service agents.

"This law will not make belief in the truth of Roman Catholicism a 'thought crime', and explicitly so. It limits actions and practices, and only those. This is not without precedent: people are at liberty to think as much as they want about rape or murder, but are not allowed to act on these thoughts. It is not a human right to be allowed to act in accordance with one's beliefs, where those beliefs involve the risk of harm to others.

"This kind of discrimination is freely practiced by other states: the United Kingdom still bans Catholics from the throne. There is nothing in the UN's human rights act, or our own bill of personal rights, to prevent the state arresting and prosecuting anyone found to be acting as a priest of the Catholic Church.

"We are faced with an organisation such as this cult, in which, by its own admission, one in twenty of its priests abuse children, and where the remaining ninety per cent are actively or passively involved in protecting this institutionalised pædophilia.

"Everyone, from the elected head of this organisation - who was complicit both in directly enabling child-abuse himself, and in putting in place the mechanisms for silencing abuse-victims and protecting the abusers - right down to the bishops, is guilty of most serious crimes against humanity. Our children are simply not safe in the care of an organisation in which abuse is so endemic, where trust can no longer exist between priest and family, and our citizens must be protected.

"This is an organisation in which deniers of the Holocaust are allowed to fill senior roles, and which spreads harmful misinformation about sexual behaviour, directly in contradiction with the state's own, causing huge problems. Its clergy have launched hate-attacks against other minority belief groups, labelling them subhuman. They have sold children. They openly admit that they would rather a 9-year-old girl die in childbirth than allow an abortion, after she has been raped by her step-father.

"The cult institution itself is immensely untrustworthy, hypocritical, a disgusting spreader of misinformation, and has extremely suspicious business practices. Their practices completely contradict our Bill of Personal Rights. Their history leads us to believe that should the opportunity arise for them to use force in their stated aim of converting the whole world, they may be prepared to do that.

"Such manifest evil can no longer be allowed within the Lindisfaran nation."

The King's office suggests that the position of the "dangerous cult" maybe reconsidered in future, if its practices are improved, and its leadership can convince the King or Queen of their professional competence.

A state of war shall also exist between the Kingdom of Lindisfaras and the State of the Vatican City. There are no plans currently to mobilise any kind of force against the State, which is of a considerably smaller size than Lindsey.